cést mon vie

it dawned on me that i haven't exactly lived my life. not really making my own choices, not really living life to the fullest. though i'm not sure what exactly that is. since i haven't. do i make sense? i didn't have anyone i could confide in. i didn't have anyone i believe i can confide in. i didn't make anyone my confidante. or confidant. i didn't think to. it just didn't cross my mind. i didn't have close friends in poly. i don't know why i didn't have close friends in poly. i don't gel with the people there. i think i don't gel with the people there. it's all superficial talk. skin-deep smiles. it's because i don't share the passion that my classmates have. it's because i don't have their kind of freedom. it's because i don't hang out outside class time. it's because i clammed up. it's because i couldn't face myself. it's because i lacked confidence. it's because i believed many things to be impossible. it's because i'm lackadaisical. i don't do things for myself. it's amazing how much i've gone through just last year. some people feel comfortable around me. some people feel like they can confide in me. some people regard me as a best friend. it doesn't happen the other way though. my empathy is crust-deep. yes, i'm afraid that is so. i don't give a cent, i don't give a penny, i don't give a yen to what happens. much of what happens. i don't have the energy or attention span for that. i have barely enough breath left for my own exploits. bitter old lady ranting in the skin of a young girl am i. bitter.. bitter...